Our Inner most self

“We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholic”. Our book, Alcoholics Anonymous’, states that this is the first step in recovery. How  we learn is usually a long and tedious process of repeated attempts to regain some form of control and direction in our daily lives, and enduring continued failures and disappointments to ourselves and those around us. The least likely place for us to understand, is the part of us that most of us fail to recognize, as the greatest element of our existence – it’s that part inside us that feels the despair and loneliness, the emptiness and fear, that is present all of the time. Some of our literature refer to us having a soul-sickness. Lost, alone, cold , afraid, scared, guilty, wrong, broken, ashamed; these words are known and felt by most all addicts and alcoholics.  Love, compassion, fulfillment, purpose, success, courage, belonging, these are the attributes that we reach for, but cant seem to find.

Every time that I used alcohol and drugs, it was to fill the space with-in me that was barren and void. The sensation of being complete offset the uneasiness of my reality. During the first flush of intoxication, I felt  fulfilled and complete. Then the effect of the drug or drink would take over and lead me to oblivion and peace. Or so I thought!!!My problems were not so much as what happened to me when I would drink or drug, but more so when I was not drinking and not using. Life would overwhelm  me and situations would pile up on me, slowly bring my frustration, fear and anxiety to a boil. The only relief I could find, or trust, was the instant release of the first hit, the first drink, the first push of the needle.

It was my inner most being that suffered and it is there where the solution is found. Deep down with-in all of us is that space, which is the spot at which recovery begins.